Dear Papa
I find my self at the same old crossroads again. The staggeringly confusing crossroads I thought we, both you and me, had crossed long back. But maybe we had just taken a detour to avoid them and are back where we started.
Here we stand on two seemingly opposite, yet converging roads. On one side is me and my need to explore this vast world. My eagerness to learn more and more about this young person I see everyday in the mirror. My want to be treated as a some what grown up adult of almost 25, to be treated with respect by the same elders whom I respect, and yes, love.
On the other side there is you, my father, the man who has helped me through almost every step in life. Who despite opposition even from my own mother helped me follow the path I chose for myself. Who had doubts, but did not let them get in my way. He taught me things that could never be read in books, seen on television or heard on the radio. He took me on long winding trips through this universe. Unraveled in 24 years the world of the solar system, the birds, car engines, aeroplanes, drilling machines, furniture making etc etc etc.
I want a comfortable life. It’s the same thing that you want for me. I want to be able to respect the values instilled in me, you want that for sure. I want to make a name for myself in whatever I choose to do, you surely want the same too. Then how did we end up on the opposite ends? That too after all this while!
There was a time when I did not study, I did not value both my parents enough, did not respect the hardships they had faced to give me the life I had and make me a better person, and yes, it was the same time when I stole money even. Dark days I call them. But the sunshine days followed. I did start studying, of course you always felt that I could do better and that I just don’t do it, but I tried nevertheless. Never has a day passed that I don’t think of the days I wasted, the days gone by, and feel sorry for making you suffer through all of that. I tried to become a model daughter.
I did study you know. Things I liked more than the rest. But I did try to make you proud. I don’t know how to make you believe this, but I made selected friends, and the friends that I made in college are still my closest. You told me that I was in a girl’s college and had no business around boys any more, I realized it was true, and so it was. I did not have a single guy friend.
When did I defy you except for maybe when I wanted to meet friends and all, but that’s it?
Then IIMC happened. I was the happiest person on earth the day I went there because it gave me freedom. And not in the way that you think I mean, but a whole different way.
In IIMC, unlike Chandigarh, I met people who came from the most diverse backgrounds. I used to think that Biharis are morons, just the laborers who steal and all, the UP walas according to me were Bhaiyas, the people from down South were too serious, and Bengalis and Marathis I had absolutely no clue about. Here I met those people. Half of them could not speak in English, but they were smart and intelligent. I got to see a whole new world. A world that was not privileged and English speaking and polished. I don’t know if you can understand this, but this was a GREAT wonderful world. It was a world where girls did not talk about just looking good and the boys did not just try to talk to girls. Here people discussed politics like it was a living-breathing creature. People had opinions, they had read so much. I was awed by these people and I studied. I studied so that I could put my point of views in arguments.
It was great. I was amongst the top few students in class, in placement and mine was the highest pay package for an English Journalism student in the batch. Was one of the only two who started with reporting right off.
But in IIMC you were always scared that it’s Delhi, god knows what she is doing. I did spend money extravegently, and I am extremely sorry for that. I still regret spending so much money so foolishly. It’s unthinkable. Sorry. But besides that I did not do anything to put you to shame. Still I was always told that my behavior is like this and that. I am wrong here and there. And I really did not know what to do. I went off, with almost 8 other classmates to a professor’s house right next to the hostel, after taking prior permission from the warden, you got to know and you threatened to bring me back. If I was in JNU, (which you knew was the same campus, and is a very safe place, perfect for walks) you would blow your lid off. Why Papa? Why is it that you wanted me to just go from my institute to my hostel room? Isn’t the idea of going to a new city, a bigger city to explore all the new things. I did not roam outside on Delhi roads. I was always in campus, still you and mum did not feel secure. And I was constantly told that you had the power to bring me back home, with or without my consent. All those threats for no reason.
Anyway, Indian Express happened, and both you and mum were extremely happy and proud. The whole why can’t you work in Chandigarh thing happened for sometime, “Chandigarh ahs great opportunities and you’ll get t stay at home” logic was given, but you were happy to let me stay in Delhi. You supported me full time, full on. But then the problem with hostel happened.
That working women hostel was a hell hole. The girls fought everyday like vultures, three girls in one room, no privacy, no peace of mind. But I realized that your concern for my security was high. That due to the previously failed attempts to find a place, I could not stay in rented rooms with someone else, and somehow PG was a place you thought to be worse than the worst place for a decent respectable girl, even though almost 60% of the working girls in Delhi live in PGs. And even though I complained constantly and mum constantly threatened to bring me back to Chandigarh, I stayed put.
Then came the whole marriage thing. I could not believe that both mum and even you had started thinking of marriage for me. But then you told me that working girls are perfect marriage material. Everyone felt that I did not want to study anymore. That was it. One phase ends, the second phase of life had to start. Also, you felt insecure with the fact that a girl my age, working as a journalist is not good. What will people say, this period might earn me a bad name.
Then you gave me an escape route. Study again and no marriage talks for 2 years. I lapped up the deal. I studied. And thankfully, despite all the ups and downs, managed to get through JNU.
All this while, my lifestyle was an eyesore. You felt I spent too much money, I roamed around, I was too FREE with boys, I did not respect rules and the list is long.
I tried giving you my expenditure, explaining everything in detail, but there was a wall up in your mind. That she is not living properly. And almost every trip back home a fight was bound to happen. I was at fault no doubt. But no one was ever ready to listen to me too. I still can’t understand why at even that stage when I was earning myself, living alone in the national capital, pursuing the career of my choice, was I made to fear both of you. Why was I always told that we can bring you back to Chandigarh at the snap of our fingers. That your life is ultimately not yours, but ours to control, you just live it in the exact way that we dictate you to. Even my assignment timings, which was never in my hands, was questioned. A trainee, I was asked to refuse assignments. Because you both were not comfortable with the timings. All journalists have to go through the grind.
I don’t know, maybe if I make you talk to one of my colleagues will you realize how much pressure I was under when you told me to either get through JNU or come back to Chandigarh. Chd has no growth scope, but Mum did not understand this. There was the marriage deal that truly scared me. Those were very terrifying days, without exaggeration, and they made me desperate to study.
But was that right? To have bullied me like that? I am not putting any blame at your door, it was sometimes you sometimes mum, but finally it came down to PRESSURE FROM HOME. I went crazy, berserk.
Then thankfully JNU happened. My final ticket to freedom. NO marriage talk, the best university and course of my choice, I was old enough to be considered an adult finally. And I am being treated like one. NO one comes to keep a tab on me, I am myself. Life is great. I am settling in, room is a problem but seniors are great and helpful. If IIMC was eye opening, JNU was truly a mind opener. So much diversity, such intelligent people. More than anything else, safety. Complete ease of being normal with people because they are more interested in preparing for IAS than trying their luck with classmates or going out on dates or looking good and stuff. If you study, you are a rock star. Wearing good clothes doesn’t count and that’s a great feeling. People are truly unpretentious.
1st semester ends and I am more than excited at the prospect at coming home. Also because I feel that things are getting better between me and mum, and me and you. I tell both of you about my friends, I can tell you about all the stupidities we do on campus and such things without fearing that anything will be taken otherwise. And then BOOM. You drop a bomb. I am overfriendly with boys, I don’t know my limits. That picture which all of my friends like so much, the same picture, you allege if anyone sees will make people think is flirtatious.
That I am not normal, that I am hyper with friends, that I don’t respect you, that I will earn a bad name for myself.
I DON”T GET IT. Its friends. Friends who have been together for 3 years almost now. They just don’t happen to be all girls. But why is that such a problem. Loose talk??? Just because we crack jokes and laugh with each other doesn’t mean that it’s loose talk papa. At 23 my aim in life was not to go flirting with boys like a teenager. Not all boys and girls who are friends want to have affairs with each other, not all of them want to indulge in silly teenage crush pranks.
I really wish you could understand that. I am a happy go lucky person. And yes I am not a reserved and cautious person like both you and mum. But I have learnt my lessons in friendship from both of you. I have taken time with friendships and maybe that is the reason that I have a few but friends I can count on anytime of the day. But dad please try and understand that it was not my intention to be friends with these people because they happen to be guys. Friendship between all of us happened because we have similar tastes, aspirations and dreams. Because we respect where each of us comes from, and most importantly, because each and everyone of us is very different. Each one helps the other person grow. It is not a matter of being a girl and boy, it’s a matter of being friends. Simple.
Maybe the world that you grew up in was complicated in this sense, but you made things simple for me. You told me that friends are friends. You yourself never had problems earlier with any of my friends, you helped me be an open person. I tell you about any and every person who holds the slightest place of importance in my life.
Then why this insecurity Papa? I am not doing anything that you would not approve of, yet you think that I am always up and about breaking rules and disobeying you. Why is that I have to write such long mails trying to make you understand how things have shaped up? What can I do to make you realize that I am not going to go run off with some tom dick or harry and soil your name in the society?
Dad I am not as old or as experienced as you, can never be as smart as you either, but Please, please give me some credit for being a somewhat sensible person.
If I like a guy, you both will be the first people to know. I have no one else to tell this to. And I don’t know what makes you say that you don’t have absolute faith in me, the truth is. Honestly if I try any harder at being the perfect daughter, I won’t recognize the person I am. I have tried in every possible way to not let you or your name down. Please tell me what else can I do? Because I am at my wits ends. I seriously don’t know what will make you feel secure with the fact that your daughter is not doing anything you would no want her to do in Delhi. Yes she is friendly, but she does not indulge in any kind of activity that can be termed as loose behavior from even a stranger’ point of view. Please tell me because I don’t know how to put your doubts to rest. PLEASE TELL ME…
I had thought that the place I was in, the age and all I could be careful yet go my way, but I understand your concerns and you will not have a problem, I will be a little reserved from now on. Do tell what else can I do to put your fears to rest.
Papa you are the only people I have. I love both you and mummy. I do not even in my worst nightmares, ever, wish to hurt you.
